New Year's Eve to mid-April. 15+ weeks. 107 days.
A long time. To think. To pray. To wonder what word I would hear.
Malignant or benign.
A long time to be scared straight.
A long time to think about this blog post. What would my reaction be to the word spoken? What would I say? What would I be inspired by?
So, the wait is over. The phone rang late Friday afternoon. My surgeon's voice was on the other end. I took a deep breath. A word was uttered, "Benign".
I was........without words.
And still am.
I cried. I giggled. I chatted with God. I shared the news. And life went on as usual. Not really though.
I had spent 107 days trusting, being overcome with peace and more. But I also worried and cried almost every one of those days. Without anyone knowing. I needed to be strong. For others, but mostly for myself. Was I scared? HELL YES! And now I had the best news. What a relief! It was over. Not really though.
What was my big lesson in all of this? I am supposed to learn something big from these 107 days. Some amazing inspiration should come from this. Words of wisdom should flow easily. Not really though.
I have sat for hours with this blank screen with nothing coming to mind for this blog. Awesome. What the heck is wrong with me? I should have some big insightful stuff to write after this kind of life event. Not really though.
What do I have? What can I share? What did I learn?
I have 1/2 of a kidney left. I have a large painful incision. I have barely any clothes that don't hurt to wear. I have a loving husband who bought me a Grabber and rigged some rope to help me pull the lazy boy lever so it didn't hurt like crazy to reach the handle. I have a community of people who love me. I have a healthy prognosis. I have HOPE.
I can share that waiting is scary. I can share that you shouldn't try to be strong for others. I can share that being scared is not something to hide. I can share that needing people is not a sign of weakness. I can share my FAITH that got me through it all.
I learned that one word doesn't change who I am. I learned that I can withstand large amounts of pain. I learned that I am a lucky gal. I learned that people who hear the other word are my heroes. I learned that LOVE trumps everything.
I waited a long time to hear one word. And honestly, I really think that this post would have been the same no matter which word I heard. It is hard to find the right words to describe how my heart feels after the past 107 days. But, after thinking about it for all this time...the one word that means the most is not "benign". It is....
GRACE. For it is by grace that I have been..... strengthened, loved and saved. And that would have been true no matter what word was spoken last Friday. No matter which one.